Wherein Jon Chronicles the Unthinkable

As I have a faintly ridiculous job, I find myself with Mondays off. Some might find that a blessing, but they're wrong and stupid and I hate them - Mondays are some kind of horrible purgatory where all of your friends are working at their real people grown-up jobs and you are left to your own devices until Jeopardy! comes on at seven-thirty. I've tried watching TV prior to that point, but TV saves its absolute worst for the middle of the day, foisting a non-stop buffet of men overjoyed to find that they are not the father and History Channel specials about Jesus' magic hidden bloodline being carted off by UFOs that we would have known about if only we had understood the impenetrable medieval poetry Nostradamus hid Scooby-Doo-like clues in. I've tried aimlessly wandering the streets, but the only people out there are other people in the same boat; all of us floating from place to place like so many ennui-fueled ghosts.

And so it's come to this - I am so incredibly bored I just played Heroclix against myself.

I picked up the Fantastic Four starter the other day but hadn't had a chance to bust the poor thing out as yet, see, and... well, Hell, there's really no good way to rationalize such a shamefully nerdy endeavor, is there? May as well give you an after-action report.

The set's made up of the FF, two Doombots and Doctor Doom. There's a new map - a four-player one, which kind've surprised me - and your standard tokens, too, as well as the newest iterations of the Powers and Abilities card and rulebook. I think the biggest changes are that Flight is now Outwittable (and Carry is a seperate ability, as near as I can tell) and Perplex now works 'til the beginning of your next turn. Which is how I've been playing Perplex at home for, like, a year. Oh, and Feat cards can now only make up ten percent of your build total.

For reasons I cannot begin to fathom, the starter pack completely fails to break down into two even teams. This is in spite of the fact that each member of the FF weighs in at a hundred points apiece and Doom's two hundred on his own. The Doombots are thirty and forty points, so I'd hoped there'd be a feat card or something to drag Team Doom up to at least 300 points total, but no dice. I tossed Brilliant Tactician and Dissent onto Doom and had him team up with yellow-ring Kang from the Supernova set - those two occasionally think they're the same person because Stan Lee is effing crazy*, plus their color schemes work out pretty well.

Anyway, I played on the Baxter Building map. The FF went first - Johnny carried Ben and Sue carried Reed, which marked the exact last point where they weren't getting their asses kicked. Some of you have played this stupid game with me before, and I think, if you have, you may have noticed that I have the least-lucky dice in the history of freaking ever. This, apparently, only holds true if I'm playing as good guys. Villains get the hot dice. Or, at least, they did today.

One of the Doombots has first-click Enhancement. Doom has one of those ridiculous I Can Use Either Outwit Or Perplex special powers (and also has a fifty-percent chance to Outwit a power on someone located, oh, anywhere on the map). Kang has a stupid high attack value to begin with. The other Doombot has... well, he has Willpower, I guess, and that's... good for him.

Thing missed an attack that should've utterly laid out Kang, thanks to Reed's crazy plus-two Perplex upping Ben's damage to something retarded like six. The FF burned one of their theme-team-bonus Probability Controls on that little disaster, but to no avail. Johnny critically missed a Running Shot because my dice are filled with tiny demons that hate heroism, but at least bought that click back on the next turn when the FF team ability kicked in after the Thing's brutal murder. That TA, incidentally, never came into play again - after the first time, Doom'd just Outwit the stupid thing with Dissent and have his cronies kill people dead with no consequences.

Torch ain't a bad ranged guy, but Kang and that Enhancement-bot coupled with Johnny's defense powers getting Outwitted by a half-a-fucking-mile-away Doom meant that he was getting shot in the face by magic time bullets every other turn.

Mr Fantastic's super-Perplex is solid, but the fact that there's no room to toss Brilliant Tactician on him in a 400 point game meant that he was stuck upping one guy's stats at a time while Doom was feeding his whole team horse growth hormones and the finest drugs villainy can buy.

Invisible Woman's impossible to target at range, unless she's facing Doom's super-outwit and the occassional ability to roll dice for values higher than three. That power kills Sue's Barriers and Invisibility dead, at which time she's down to an okay-to-high defense value.

Kang's the only guy on Team Doom to take any damage, which isn't shocking - he was the one running out front to shoot at people while Doom hid behind two robots, after all. Doom's got an amazing first click, but he still feels a little bit overpriced.

So, in summation: things went bad for the FF. The new Heroclix starter's okay. I'm still bored. The end.

*Seriously, the first time Doom and Rama-Tut meet, Doom pulls a gun and Rama-Tut (which is to say, Kang in a Pharaoh Costume) basically goes "well, what if we're the same guy? You'd be killing yourself!" Doom considers this for a minute and totally buys it. This is in spite of the fact that Kang's not wearing a mask. So, either Kang looks and sounds exactly like Doctor Doom to the point at which Doom thinks he's looking at and speaking to himself in a slightly gayer outfit or Doctor Doom is stupid as Hell. Beautiful.

Exploring The Classics

One of my big projects of late has been "grown-ass-manning" up my apartment. I've lived in the space I write from for just over a decade and a few things stood out:

One: With the exception of a truly boss vintage Foxy Brown poster, my walls are really white and boring.

Two: My apartment looks like a dorm room with it's plastic blinds, torchier lamps and futon. (And no, a grown ass man DOES NOT sleep on a futon!)

Three: I have too much stuff! My apartment looked like the comic book store I used to run.

Action figures, comics and statues were displayed on shelves everywhere. In my room, the closets, the kitchen, EVERYWHERE!!!!

I looked around and with fresh eyes realized that I was going through something, some sort of arrested development. My apartment looked like a headquarters for pedophiles is what it looked like. Amidst the plastic, pulp and cold-cast porcelain, I'd become lost and found identity in these things and for the first time ever, my comics seemed sort of silly to me.

It made me a little sad. Changes were made.

Curtains were hung, framed art went up, the G.I. Joe lunchbox stayed in the picture, though.

I started to put things in some kind of order. I went through my many piles of comics and found that maybe only half of what I had was worth keeping or even meant anything to me.

Since then, I've given away thousands of comics and the karma I've gotten from that small act has been priceless. The statues sit on one shelf. The action figures sit in boxes waiting for a seven-year old nephew to come play with them. Superman is as he was meant to be, soaring again in the hands of a child.

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The other day I was going through my trade paperbacks and picked up my copy of Watchmen and I had a thought, "What makes this comic more of a true classic than say, Alan Moore's "Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow?"

Quite frankly, I think in it's narrative, "Man of Tomorrow" is the stronger work and oddly enough, when others talk of Moore's DC work, this tale is often not even spoken of in the same breath with V For Vendetta, Batman: The Killing Joke and Swamp Thing.

I mean, this comic has it all! Gorgeous artwork by THE Superman artist, Curt Swan, who is masterfully inked under the pens of George Perez and Kurt Schaffenberger. Not only is this comic significant for those reason but also because when DC wanted to close the door on 50-years of Superman history, they chose these men to do so. MoT was, literally, history in the making and yet, it is largely overlooked.

We walk into any LCS and there it is: standing there, flexing its muscles, the "RECOMMENDED" rack or table, filled with Watchmen, Y: The Last Man, some Marvel and Dark Horse stuff and it's... there. It's the stuff of ideas. These are the classics and we've been living with many of them for decades now.

So, my questions to you is this:

"WHAT FACTORS GO INTO CONSIDERING A COMIC, A CLASSIC?" and...

"WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, ARE THE NEW CLASSICS?"

By the way, when the hell are we getting an Essential Power Pack? :)

I Love My Comics

I love my comics. I really do. I know there’s been a lot of complaining recently. I know I am guilty of it. But seriously. I love my comics.

I love Guardians of the Galaxy. Annihilation and Annihilation: Conquest were both awesome, and Guardians of the Galaxy is the perfect ongoing to follow them up. Starlord is the perfect guy to lead this team because he’s an everyman in a team full of weirdos. Rocket Raccoon is hilarious. Adam Warlock just kind of makes you uncomfortable. Plus, a psychic dog? Comic book gold. Even if you didn’t read the Annihilation series, you can pick up Guardians and enjoy it.

I love Final Crisis. Yeah I know, we spent money on Countdown and what about Death of the New Gods and nothing is in continuity and so on… but screw that. The book rocks. You want to spite DC for making you waste hundreds of bucks the last few years, fine. I get that. That’s your choice. But if you’re looking to stick it do DC, I recommend you drop JLA, JSA, or Trinity. Read Final Crisis. The page layouts are beautiful and the pacing is cinematic in a good way. Final Crisis is everything that is good about the past decade in the evolution of sequential art.

I love Batman R.I.P. I admit, I was kind of on the fence until last week. But Batman whacked out of his skull bumming around with a homeless mentor… it’s like Grant Morrison is taking Batman and putting him through the ringer in the style of Daredevil: Born Again but drawing on his own style and narrative devices from the Invisibles. If that doesn’t sound good to you, I worry that you may not have a soul.

I love Uncanny X-Men. We’ve been waiting for the X-books to do something fresh for a long time. We got close with Messiah Complex, but I think we’re finally there. Let the rest of the Marvel universe go to hell in a handbasket. The X-Men are taking it up a notch, and I like it. The rest of the X-Books are beginning to emulate the model set forth by X-Factor, leveraging the right combination of action, drama, and silliness. I for one am excited about Manifest Destiny.

I love the Boys. I love love love the Boys. Garth Ennis has always been good at being offensive and controversial. Somewhere along the way, amidst the sex and violence, he also put together a cast of characters, led by Hughie, that I’ve grown to care about. Ennis could always write dark comedy and misery. With the Boys he’s proven he can write dark comedy and tragedy. Who would’ve thunk it?

I love Catwoman. My only regret is that I got on the bandwagon a little late. I will miss this series. It has been a great ride with a great character. The guys at Marvel could learn a thing or two from this series about writing the ‘in the streets’ hero.

I love Legion. I love Blue Beetle. I love Superman and Action Comics. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Lost Boys: Reign of the Frogs. I love everything featuring characters from Hellboy.

The comic companies ask a lot of us. They ask us to weather the storms of convoluted continuity and wacky creative whims. They ask us to collect tie-ins and variant covers. Sometimes, they ask us to read complete and utter crap, and then they reward us for our loyalty by pretending that crap never happened. But I’ll be damned. I still love my comics.

Five Weeks of The Big Three

So we have just passed the one month mark of DC’s most recent weekly series - Trinity. Wonder Woman, Superman and Batman have just defeated the first arc’s Big Bad. The troubles surrounding Tarot has just started heating up. We have seen new villains and old heroes. Ultimately, we have seen Busiek and Bagley start exploring the idea of what make the Big Three the Big Three.

However, I am hearing a lot of people starting to go, “I’m not sure about Trinity.” I am hearing a lot of hemming and hawing. I am hearing a lot of people considering dropping it. Heck, I am considering dropping it. The question is why? Why can’t Trinity seem to keep me interested.

It is not the writing. Busiek is turning out a pretty good tale. I mean gone is the plodding slowness of both 52 and Countdown. In the first page of the first issue you have the big mystery introduced - this force in space. Yet, the characters are not dealing or searching or talking about said mystery. No, they are out fighting rampaging aliens. At the same time we see lurking villains starting to plot and scheme. There is a lot going on. It is solid comic storytelling, for the first half at least. This follow-up plot of Tarot and what not is only so-so. As my fellow Second Printer Devon said, “Who really cares about Gangbuster?”


It’s not the art. Bagley, for his first real foray out of Marvel, is doing a really good job. All his characters, especially his Superman, feel like how superheroes should feel on the page. It’s a pose or an expression or something but it really works. Backing him are personal favorites of mine Scott McDaniel and Mike Norton. Again, these guys are doing solid art. I mean, hell, they make Whiteout look almost menacing and he might have the stupidest character design out there.

So what is it? What is keeping the comic from really taking root in our heart as a must have title? It is because it is a weekly and it should not be. Say what you will about 52 and Countdown but their ultimate goal was to show or lead up to a change in the DCU as a whole. An in continuity, universe level threat or shift - that is weekly worthy. They stumbled along the way, but the original concept warranted fifty-two issues.

However, Trinity is exploring a theme and exploring it in a way that will not be affecting any other titles. It does not feel big enough, it doesn’t have the gravitas, to make me want to go out and get four or five issue each month. It would make a great maxi-series or a great essay or thesis just not a weekly. It is the same reason the weekly Superman failed and why weekly Spider-Man has been dragging. It is not just putting big names into a comic that earns it the right to be a weekly, it is the story itself.

Think about it this way. I like Kyle Orton, the third strong quarterback from the Bears. I like his Dave Grohl mustache, I like how he stepped up when Grossman and Griese faltered. He is certainly not A-list, superstar QB though. I like Trinity. I like its idea, how it is kicking off in a better way than 52 and Countdown. It is certainly not a weekly though.

How Do You Feel About It?

Lana Lang's Blues

I can't remember where or when I read it but I saw somewhere that new Supergirl writer Sterling Gates has plans to use Lana Lang as a supporting member of the supporting cast.

Quite frankly, I think it's brilliant move.

Lana Lang, since the Superman reboot of nearly twenty-five years ago, hasn't been given much to do. Sure, she was given the role of the lovelorn to Lois' go-getter but with every character firmly established as being well into their twenties, her role worn thin pretty quickly.

What she was given was Pete Ross, Clark & Lana's best friend from their days in Smallville. Pete simply was what he was: a good man. A good man who even went on to become President of The United States. While a good man, Pete Ross could never be Clark Kent, a Superman and ultimately, Lana left him in Smallville to raise their son named Clark by Lana.

Oh, yeah! Did I mention that she was once a Manhunter?

What we've gotten since the reboot of Superman was a character continuously in crisis, living with the fact the love of her life had moved on to greater heights, becoming virtually unreachable. Lana Lang had become a visual symbol a "flashback." That makes me sad.

So, why then am I so excited about Lana's becoming a member of Supergirl's cast of characters?

Supergirl's getting a cast of characters.

For over three years now, the problem with Supergirl has been... Supergirl. There's been no one in her life to bounce things off of. Her stories read more like monologues full of self-doubt, teen angst and insecurity. In short, her stories read like a diary. One I particulary don't want to read. Supergirl is sorta like Jessica Simpson lately. Completely gorgeous and should have everything going for her but what it comes down to is this: She's got more problems than a little bit and at the end of the day, I don't think I'd want to get inside her head.

I have no idea how Gates is planning to use Lana but I sincerely hope it's in a true supporting character capacity.

At Supergirl's core, she is simply a girl. Disconnected from everything she's ever known. Can you imagine being a pre-teen from another planet, waking up naked on another and the first human contact you have is with The Batman?!?

Can you imagine finding out everything and everone you knew is dead and gone except for the baby cousin you once held? Can you imagine the shock you must feel when that baby you once held is now a grown man and trying to tell you how to live your life? Can you imagine the feeling of being left behind, knowing that no place will ever be home again? That's Supergirl. That has been her lone inner monologue.

In Lana, I hope the character finds some sort common ground. Some kind of ease. Some sort of bond.

Throughout the misuse of Lana Lang as a character, one thing stands out in my mind. She is quietly one of DC's most ferocious of characters.

If you want to know who Lana Lang is, look no further than Superman #2.

Lex Luthor wants to know the identity of the mysterious woman constantly showing up at Superman's every appearance. This woman is Lana Lang and Luthor kidnaps her and has her tortured so as to find a connection between her and the newly arrived Superman. This is a woman, who though fragile, would not give up his secret, she would not give up her best friend's name. Even though, in a sense, left her behind, she could never do that to him.

That, to me, makes her a soldier. Someone you want on your side. While Superman can carry worlds on his shoulders, this woman carries something greater every single day: his secret identity.

She has no superpowers or bulletproof bracelets or above-average skills to help her keep the secret, no, she's just a woman raised on a Kansas farm who does so out of love and respect for a friend.

More importantly, Lana Lang is a strong woman and mother and there's a lone girl who can outrace a comet who could really use someone like that.

Someone who, in many ways, is stronger than Superman.

My Girlfriend Rules

Unlike some other second printers, I love my girlfriend enough not to make her read crappy summer crossover comics that she won’t understand. But, unfortunately, I don’t love her enough not to tell her about everything that’s going on in my comics each week. All this time, I had just assumed that she hadn’t been listening. But the other night, when we saw this little furry fella hanging around outside our window…



… she giggles and says, ‘Hey, isn’t that Rocket Raccoon?’ Needless to say, I was aroused. When was the last time your significant other made your little geek heart jump for joy?

An Amazing Journey vs. A Fabulous Finish

So we stand on the cusp of prime crossover season. I know some of you might think we already there but I think we have to wait for the Final Crisis tie-ins before we pop some champagne, set off a firework or two and yell, “Happy Crossover 2008.” As we approach, as the hype builds, my mind turns to the one thing that it always does during this time. My mind turns to writing.

In an ideal world every crossover would be perfectly written, with amazing tie-ins and fulfilled promise. Heck, in an ideal world every comic, not just crossovers, would be perfectly written. The characterization would be spot on, the plot/crisis (lower case here) would build logically and be well-paced, the story’s ultimate theme would be moving. It isn’t an ideal world though. Writing is hard and even the best creators fumble every now and then. There biggest pitfall for a crossover, arc, whatever, is that writers seem to be able to only craft either an Amazing Journey or a Fabulous Finish. Meaning we have great middles or great endings but not both.

The Amazing Journey

We have all had those comics where the story has been going along and it is awesome. Superman takes it to General Zod. Batman investigates the death of Orca while Harvey Dent wrestles with his halves, a new mutant baby was born. It is great to be a member of the comic community during an Amazing Journey: everyone is happy and this buzz, this expectation, fills the air. We, as a collective, can’t wait to see what happens next. We are provided with months and months of enjoyment, with things to talk and blog about, with things to get excited about in comics.

Until the ending hits. Chris Kent is lost in the Phantom Zone (yes, I know production schedule really screwed this pooch), Great White Shark is the big bad, and Bishop shoots Professor X in the head. Maybe it is because we were riding so high, maybe because the journey was so amazing, that when the it wraps up poorly, we are irate. We forget the months of wonder, the months of ups and downs, of bitten nails and churned stomachs. We are left with nothing. It is like eating a wonderful meal, savoring every bite, and then getting the runs.

The Fabulous Finish

We have all had those comics where story has been going along and it is not very good. It’s not terrible, it just isn’t that good. Freddy Freeman undergoes twelve issues of trials, the Runaways slip back in time thanks to Joss Whedon, Scarlet Witch changes reality. It meanders, it stumbles, whole issues bomb. It is not so great to be a member of the comic community during the time leading up to a Fabulous Finish. We complain and moan, we feel betrayed and feel like we are wasting our money. We wonder about out place in comics.

Until the ending hits. When a Fabulous Finish happens it changes everything. It takes those strands of dirty straw and turns them into gold. Freddy becomes Captain Marvel, the Runaways make sacrifices as they head back into the future, the mutant population drops to just below two hundred. The themes come out beautifully, we have heroic acts, moving decisions, and cathartic releases. We realize that everything is all worth it. We feel renewed in our love of the medium.

Now I know there are stories out there that don’t have Amazing Journeys or Fabulous Finishes. Sometimes you only have a Beautiful Beginning or none of the three. I am not talking about those crossovers, those arcs. I am talking about the stories that are good enough to be remembered, good enough to stay with you but still have a big flaw. I am torn on the issue. Sometimes I think a great ending makes a teeth grinding half a year worth it. Sometimes I think I would rather have good times and just be disappointed.

What Would You Rather Have: an Amazing Journey or a Fabulous Finish?