Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Introducing the NEW New Guardians (day 2)

And we're back. Feel the pain.
This whole project is a nasty bit of business, and yet, I'm kind of intrigued by it. I may even like it. I'm just not sure if it's authentic appreciation or ironic.

The Edmonton Oiler

Powers: Portable refinery, oil pump, "blinding", super strength, energy cannon, environmental empathy.
Yes, he has a portable refinery on his back, and a gun that pumps oil out in concussive force, but hey, he's environmental empathy, which I guess means he's concerned about the environment. Except that he's pumping oil out on bad guys. Brain. Hurt. Anyway, this is one ugly ass ugly character, the epitome of 90's superhero aesthetic gone wrong, like if Liefeld were asked in his heyday to design bad guys for a G.I. Joe knock-off. Wow.

The New Jersey Devil

Powers: Infrared, fire breathing, heat resistance, flight, teleportation
I don't get this guy. What kind of head is that. Why is he like some egyptian god, but all spandexed up? Why not just make him red with black stripes, like a zebra, with a NJ Devil's tattoo... that's something else about these things... I mean obviously the imperative is to get the team and NHL logo front and center, but it really hampers the design and visual creativity of these characters. I don't hate him, but he looks a little silly.

The Minnesota Wild

Powers: celestial projection, tunnelling, super strength, general mayhem
Hey, remember the late, not-so-great, not-so-lamented Vibe from the Detroit Justice League? Did you ever wonder what he'd look like as a warewolf? Well wonder no more...
What the hell does "celestial projection" mean? He can conjure up holograms of interstellar bodies, or star charts, or plans for the Death Star using his eyes?

The Tampa Bay Lightning

Powers: bolt spear, electrokinesis, lightning board, electrical teleportation, environmental empathy (again)
Hey, it's a dude with electrical powers... and he's white!!! Let's call him White Lightning! LOL. ROTFLMAO. etc. Ahem. Anyway... I actually kind of like this guy, for much the same reasons I like the Pittsburgh Penguin, the design is relatively simple... yes, in spite of the mohawk. (Really. A mohawk?) But I think Black Lightning had this costume already.

The Nashville Predator

Powers: Matter ingestion, super-speed, adamantium skeleton, titanium teeth, atomic blast
So here's a bipedal sabretooth tiger that can eat anything, run at super speed, has unbreakable bones and can fire an atomic blast from his mouth.... so his costume isn't the only thing overdesigned. He wouldn't be so bad if they didn't have to display the team colours so prominently all over everything including his face.

The San Jose Shark

Powers: water breathing, aquatic summoning, aquatic danger sense, titanium teeth, hydro boots, technopathic telekinesis
In the bipedal animal division come King Shark... err... I mean the San Jose Shark, who can summon water to his side and sense when water is about to harm him (like "spidey sense"... or is "aquatic danger sense" about knowing when water is going to be harmed?) What I want to know is does he go blind every time he gets in a fight like real sharks do when their eyelids cover over their eyes to protect them from flailing animals in their grasp. With the exception of the dorky water skis, he's actually kind of badass, but then again.. he's a shark, so it's hard not to be. He's also not wearing bright teal, which is a plus.


So that's another six down. Since it can't get much worse than The Oiler, it actually does get better (relatively) from here.

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